The following excerpts are taken from The Superhero Manual, a free download for anyone subscribing to my twice-a-month newsletter.  

Android Quandaries

When robots go online and come to a box that says, ‘I am not a robot,’ what do they do?

Thirty Minutes

A little while ago, I poured drain cleaner into my bathtub. The bottle instructed me to wait thirty minute, then flush with hot water. Twice it said ‘thirty minutes,’ so I guess it must be pretty important.

But exactly thirty minutes? Why not twenty-eight? Or thirty-two minutes and eleven seconds? Why are instructions always in round numbers? What happens if I go under or go over? 

Is the product formula adjusted to exactly thirty minutes? (Intent man in white lab coat: “The stuff works better if we leave it in for forty minutes.” Intent woman in white lab coat: “But our users don’t have that great an attention span.”)

I have a lot more to say about this and other important timing events (for example, why is conditioner supposed to stay on for precisely sixty seconds, and who wears a watch in the shower anyway?) but I have to go. Thirty minutes are up.

Why I Didn’t Run for President 

Running for president involves months of bus travel, TV appearances, online insults, bad food and long odds. But someone always gets elected, then celebrates with family and followers underneath balloon-drops far into the night, wakes up late, sits up and says, “Oh, my God, I’m President of the United States! What in hell have I gotten myself into?”

Bull Doots

Do bulls ever wonder why their droppings have become synonyms for blatant lies? Why me, they must ask? Why not giraffes? Seals? Iguanas?

Are the bulls’ feelings hurt? I’ll bet they are.

Maybe they should turn the tables on us: 

First bull: “Last night I had a hot date with three cows.” 

Second bull: “That’s HS” (‘ human…stuff’).